August 30, 2012

50 Shades of Don't Waste Your Time

Let's talk about 50 Shades of Grey for a minute. Maybe a couple of minutes. I read this book (and the two that came after it). I know, I'm hanging my head in shame. I'm normally pretty strong about not reading the hot new thing in books (except for Harry Potter... and Twilight... and Hunger Games...), but Amazon was having a three-for-one sale and I gave in. Sorry, I'm not sorry, except that I kind of am. Sorry, that is. This book was terrible. I mean it. 

First of all, they call it mommy porn for a reason. It is definitely porn-o-graphic. If you're a Puritan or a Jehovah's Witness, this is not the book for you. Probably Southern Baptists, too.

Secondly, the trilogy started as Twilight fan fiction; I really didn't enjoy the Twilight books, so I don't know why I thought I'd enjoy this series. (Confession: I only liked a lot, not loved, the Hunger Games trilogy. I know, I'm a horrible person.) 

Thirdly, the writing is just Gawd-awful. The main character has just graduated college and has neither a smartphone nor her own laptop. This is 2011; what kid doesn't have a smartphone or a laptop (insert desktop or iPad if that's easier to swallow)? And don't get me started on Ana Steele's inner goddess and/or her subconscious; her inner goddess is a tart and her subconscious is a school marm. She literally has named the voices in her head. I cringe thinking about it. Maybe she's Schizophrenic.

Fourthly, Christian Grey, the mysterious protagonist, is really just a creepy stalker. He randomly shows up on her family trip; he wants her to sign a contract to be a sex slave; he has her followed; he wants her to sign a contract to be a sex slave; he bugs her email; he wants her to sign a contract... you get the point.

In fact, I'm going to tell you what happens, minus all the S&M stuff. Ana and Christian meet, they fight, things get weird, they have sex, they date, they have sex, they break up, they have sex, they get back together, they have sex, Christian has a helicopter accident, they have sex, they get married, they have sex, she gets a stalker, they have sex, the stalker gets arrested, they have sex, they move into a new house, they have sex, they have two kids, they have sex, and they live happily ever after. The end.

You're welcome.


  1. Thank you so much for saving me the time of having to read the last two books. I could barely finish the first, but was curious if the last two books were just as awful. Now I know.

  2. Most amazing book review! Curiosity had almost gotten the best of me, but now I feel comfortable skipping this trend. Thanks!